[Or: Dammit!]

I don’t think I’ve made much of a secret of the fact my vision has been getting worse over the past couple of months.  If this is a shock to you, then I apologise.

Having finally seen my latest field of vision test (under CCTV magnifier at Vision Australia) on Friday, I was a little surprised at how small my visual field actually is.  It’s not like there’s “black” around what I see… what I see is simply as wide as … well, what I see.  It’s hard to notice that change, though rapid changes become a little more obvious.  Beyond that, the quality of my vision across what I can see has dropped fairly significantly (and most particularly on my left eye, which used to be significantly better than my right).

So I find myself moving again through a bunch of processes that I’ve been through before.  Interestingly it seems that my new Ophthalmologist thinks my previous diagnosis is worthy of revision, though this is hardly likely to result in any restoration of vision (optic nerves aren’t fixable).  I am worried that it will become something that’s treatable to at least slow any future loss… I think finding out that there were things that could have been done, but weren’t done, will be worse than the “nothing we can do” scenario.

Overall I what I find more frustrating is realising I’m not doing stuff that I was previously because some subconcious part of my brain has decided that I can’t do it any more.  For example, I’ve switched desks at work, and subsiquently I’ve got a different phone. I’ve only realised today that I’ve been avoiding answering the main line because I don’t actually know which button to press.  I’ve been sitting here for a week and a half.

Or another example, walking from Redfern station to the office, I’ve switched a navigation point to smell. I only discovered this because the cafe concerned has taken to shutting its doors in the cooler winter mornings.

At the moment it feels a bit like pointlessly wandering in circles.

Still, slowly my brain will move to adapt.  It’s not like getting anything back, but you learn to cope with less and use it better, or else work around it.

Please don’t feel like I’m saying I want to give up.  Yes, I do have moments of wanting to crawl into a hole and wish the world would leave me alone and you have no idea how much I wish this wasn’t happening.  But there are plenty of people who’ve been through similar things and survived.  There are plenty of people worse off than I am.

But there’s support for me around the place – at work, home, friends, family and my always fabulouse and supportive wife.  Without all of these people, life would be considerably different.  Thanks to you all.

Soundtrack:
The Living End – In The End
Addiction 64 – Learn to Dance
Area 7 – Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again
Save Ferris – I’m Not Crying For You
The Living End – The Room
The Living End – Mr Business Man
Neveready – 3 Chord
The Wallflowers – I Started a Joke

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